Well, its been a hot minute since I’ve written. A lot has happened. I started college! Adulting at its finest. So far, Berklee Online has been very informational. I’m majoring in Music Business hoping that will make up for the lack of connections I have lol. But no, I have learned so much in the past two weeks about music. I feel as if i’m doing the right thing in terms of my education. So, come with me on this adventure of higher education, see if Jade makes it! My music business 101 professor gave me an essay the first week of class. TF. But it was interesting. I can’t believe i’m actually in college. I never thought i’d make it this far. Im currently sitting in a coffee shop basking in my accomplishment that over 65% of Americans have done, too. For some reason, it feels different for me though. But again I am 18 and think the big o’l world revolves around me. Whatever. Judge me if you want, but this is huge for a little girl from a small town that failed 2 of her STARR tests and has a tip calculator app on her phone. My other class that i’m taking is Developing Your Artistry. It’s pretty much a philosophy class with a dash of Art Appreciation. This class is making me dig deep into my soul. That’s a place that I don’t like dig in. My soul is full of spider webs and the remnants of my heart breaks. It’s also full of movies that to me, symbolize sooooo much more than what is represented. But most of the time, they are pretty blunt, i’m just an emotional teen trying to put meaning to trash. It’s what i’m best at.
Next mess in my life is I have a huge crush. Big news i know. This dude threw me for a loop. I can’t say much due to the fact that this blog is connected my facebook and i happen to be friends with him on facebook soooo… But what i can say is that I am way in over my head and am long gone. I have broken down every aspect of him that I like. It’s bad. I can’t tell if he likes me back, i mean…..it’s complicated (says every person with a crush on someone that kinda likes them back but it would be a bad idea). In high school, I never really did much. I never partied or drank or I guess “experimented”. I just felt too MaTuRe for that. I’m so….dumb. Now, I am out of High School. I feel as if I have this “freedom”. I’m scared of using it unhealthily. But at the same time, isn’t that what mistakes and wisdom are all about. They correlate by feeding each other. Without mistakes, you wouldn’t have wisdom. You’re supposed to “learn from your mistakes”. Great idea from someone whose already messed up and learned from it and it didn’t ruin anything. But what if it messes things up and then ruins something good??? That’s what i’m afraid of. Anyway, with this newfound “freedom” I find myself trying to feed my scary soul with experience. Idk…I also have learned that no matter how old a dude is, they never grow up. I am honestly baffled at how immature SOME can be around women. Especially when they’re drunk. I’m still new to this unfair adult world, but this fact is sad.
Lastly, is music. I gotta write this quick because being the baddie I am, I have exceeded the time limit to be parked and don’t wanna be towed. My music has been going alright. Something that I am learning to accept is where I am. For the past year I have been constantly comparing myself to my peer artists in the area. Some of them are so talented and so young, it’s insane. I have been struggling with being ok with myself and where I am for a quite long time. I would dwell and cry over things that I can’t help. Some people have family connections, some have parents who were musicians, some just got lucky. None of my parents play instruments nor do they work in the industry. Luck is not something that runs in my family. I am pretty much a first generation musician. I am learning from trial and error at my own expense. I used to stress about this so much. I would constantly dream and wish I had some guidance. It wasn’t until last week when I was talking to a fellow musician and friend that I realized that I am where I am because I am. I took a step back and looked at my accomplishments instead of looking to the future. I looked at all I have done by myself and told myself to be proud. There is nothing I can do about what other people have, all I can do is focus on myself. This musician friend is almost 40 and didn’t even start music professionally until he was in his 30’s. I always admired how positive and loving he was of the Dallas music scene and realized that he’s like that because he’s happy just being able to do what he loves for a living. He doesn’t stress over what others do even though he easily could. He focuses on what he does have and what he acquired. He also told me that even though trail and error at your expense can suck, you learned. You have hard and true wisdom under you now. You won’t question yourself because you learned through yourself. I also saw that I forget why i’m even doing music when I start to dwell on what I don’t have. I forget the catharsis it gives me and the art it brings. I forget the love I really do have for it. I forget all the effort and work i’ve put into it just to be the best version of myself. I then started to think that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Of course there are a few exciting things in the works that could really put me on the map in Dallas, but even if I were to go in that direction…until I am happy with myself, nothing will be enough. These unhealthy habits will transform me into a very angry person that can’t be happy with anything. It is a hard habit to break, considering that I have always been pessimistic, but i’m sick of feeling that way. It’s a daily struggle, especially when it is right in my face, but I try to just let it go and focus on me.