What do you do when there is an elephant in the room that is so big yet so quiet? Instead of making loud noises to remind you that there is a problem, it just watches and judges. We sit in silence and refuse to acknowledge the colossal animal that represents loneliness and risky feelings. We continue to speak with witty tongues before shifting into the familiar silence that haunts that bedroom. As if from the moment I walk in, I bring a baby elephant with me that slowly cultivates into a full size animal. It feeds off our jokes and is nurtured by our lonely bodies. It grows a personality that is full of hesitance and contradiction, but also flourishes with arias of passion and charm. Our elephant methodically trails behind us while we frantically try keep up with our busy lives.
For me, rejection doesn’t come when you bluntly tell me your “truth”. It comes when you tell me sweet somethings that transpire into nothings after you devour women with your tricky heart. It comes when you change your mind at the drop of a guitar pick. It comes when you go days without reaching out. And I know your heart is fickle and full of taint but stop saying you’re bad for people when you resemble nothing but a saint. If only you could hear my heart so alive when you’re dead asleep. It’s like you can ignore the elephant we created when the lights are off, but I feel as if it grows when I lay awake in the dark.
Even if it’s not me, someone will be able to have your heart again. You are not too broken to love. It is such a curse to feel everything so deeply. When you fall down, let people pick you up or at least lay on the floor with you. You like to numb yourself. With so many friends and lovers ready to come at any second, you find yourself alone when the party’s over. You’re left with laughter ringing that represent good times and clothes left that represent a quick fix that did everything but fix you. Getting by on intense highs that don’t last more than a night will be your death and the lie you tell yourself. One night, your vices won’t be able to be your vice. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to accept the past without a bottle or a blunt in your hand.
And now me. The belief that I can be the thing that fixes people is absolutely insolent. I can only try to fix myself and who I am should be enough. Some hearts don’t want to be fixed and some hearts can’t decide. I will not be the thing that fixes everyone, and I won’t be the thing that decides right. Mistakes will happen and sometimes I consciously decide to make them. We humans are confusing things. We don’t always know why we do things to ourselves or others. I also created this elephant and also continue to ignore it, but feed it hesitation that settles across the room loudly. I nurture it with childish games that I keep playing but won’t ever win.
One thing that I have learned recently is that you are never too old to not know what you want. My response is that you are never too young to at least have an idea.